Reality #3: Through the narrow lens of a mere school-girl

Disclaimer: If you don't want to know anything about marks, do not read this post. If you want encouragement, read the last paragraph, but be wary.

I really wanted to do a reflection post because I did make insightful reflections while going home today. Besides, it would look nicer on the blog since the posts are suppose to alternate. However, it is impossible for me to immerse myself into my reverie or unhappy, sad little thoughts because I am so caught up in reality. Right now, my thoughts revolve around my marks, and sometimes, I feel so disappointed in myself for being so flat and unreal. I feel like I'm just a dot in an open space. I'm not even a shape.Steve Jobs said something about connecting the dots to form a complete, perfect picture. Perhaps, I'm going to be part of a Big Plan and I might just be that Crucial dot?

This isn't comforting at all. I don't feel any better.Anyway, this post is going to be about the last two days. My feelings are solely what I feel, so if you want to smirk and snigger, or perhaps insult me , by all means, continue thinking so. No one can read your mind and the less harm is done, to me, and consequently yourself.

Tuesday

We received the LA results. I was gleeful (quoting from Gwen, who probably referenced from Glee) that I got an A1.Actually, I knew that it was going to be an A2 or A1 anyway. I did myself proud for the Lit Response. The other components were average.


I cannot believe how most people fared for Geog. The majority includes myself. I don't mean to offend anyone who didn't get what they expected, but I have to say this, I was shocked. I was never very good at Geog but at least I was above average. I thought the paper was alright, and yet it turned out to be so surprising. In my head, I thought, it's got to be a mistake, this isn't what I'm supposed to get. It was really unnerving. The best part is: I missed A1 by one mark.

After Geog, I was totally disillusioned. I have no ability, or claim to expectations that many other people can fulfill. I am just a girl who is a try-hard mugger with no brains, or sense. My talent, I believe that I have one since I do have a drop of self-esteem and self-image , has not appeared yet or is disguised or is unrecognized. I actually have a vague understanding of its form . If such a girl chooses to waste the thing  that does not belong to her, Time, brooding on subjects not worthy of Time, she is really worthless. By all means, I will not let myself become useless. Therefore, I shall receive my marks, with inner peace and calmness.  

What must come will come.

Was that from the Lord of the Rings? It was the part when Gandalf told Pippin or Merry that the seige on Gondor would happen eventually. The calm before the storm. This perfectly describes my feelings regarding Science and Math tomorrow. I'll probably only feel stressed tonight.

Wednesday

We went through the Chinese papers. To be frank, I was amazed. I didn't care that I missed A1 by 1 mark again. This was the best I've done in the whole year. Someone actually cried because her friend got 60/70 for Compo. I'm not going to be critical or anything, because if I was in her place, I'll probably have a similar reaction.

For History, I cannot even explain my feelings. This is owning to my poor writing skills and my complete incomprehension. To be very honest, I expected 45 -47 for History. I even harbored slightly higher expectations. Nevertheless, I must be content. Being ungrateful will make me have problems like gastric ulcers (see The Road to Happiness post if you are curious about more health problems). To not appreciate good health, that, is not right.

I've realised I've been using a very self-righteous, over-bearing, unreasonable tone. Too bad. Let's just say I've been influenced by too many principles. I want to be a better person. Hence, in desperation, I try to make myself a perfect person. Sometimes, less is more. Now, what happened to all my pledges to follow the Tao and let things take their natural course instead of interfering and spoiling things?

I'm going to make a real pledge today. I don't care if the world ends tomorrow, or if I fail (really) my Math or Science, I will not be impacted. At most, I let out a few tears. Ensuite (And then), I will get better. It will be natural. It will be real. It will be human.

I believe, that it will get better. Adam Lambert  agrees with me. This message is to myself, and to those who didn't meet their expectations, and to those who are delighted with their marks: it gets better. I'm not only talking about marks now, but everything. Whatever you are going through now, don't think of it as a start and stop event. This is life. Life isn't on a picture book. Even if you think you are a dot (like me), once Life is awaken in you, you lift off from the picture book. You become real. You realise you

Don't settle. Never settle. (Steve Jobs)

It gets better. There is always hope.