Reality #1: Much Ado or Nothing?

If you stand for nothing then you'll fall for everything - The Script


Sometimes, I feel like I pale in comparison to the people I know. It's like I'm a strip on a wallpaper that's just fainter, less solid than the other stripes. Perhaps, the painter paid less care to it, or was too tired to give it another coat. I am hoping that it was an artist who painted the wall and deliberately painted this strip a lighter colour, hopefully a nicer colour...?

I seem to be feeling this way almost everyday. I was never really a strong-minded person. I don't have many beliefs or strong, fervent dreams to fulfill. Besides, when I did have these, which came in the shape of the objects of my fangirling, I was never really a die-hard, die-hard fan of them. Before long, I lost interest.

Prehaps, this is it. I don't have enough interest in anything. Just like the one million or so people living on Earth most people I've known, I don't have any real passion, which is the reason why I'm not outstanding, special, extremely talented etc.

It's not that I crave to be be like that. I just want to make my stay on Earth more meaningful, because when the day is up, I want to have as few as regrets as possible.

Take my CCA for instance. Half the time while I'm there, I don't even know what or why I'm not leaving. While I'm not thinking about that, I'm too busy concentrating on sports induced injuries and fatigue. At the same time, I have to watch my back (literally and figuratively). If I had any passion for my CCA, I would be all too happy to attend it everyday and I wouldn't even feel tired. And yet, if I had passion towards it, I wouldn't be Jessie.

They say:

"When there's a will, there is a way."

Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to apply to me all the time. Look at my grades. The only subject that I am constantly doing better than other people is History. My LA and Geog and French are above average, I suppose and my Science is acceptable but my Chinese and Math would be given Troll, had I been studying in Hogwarts.

I don't even think my M.S.G will be above 2. I can probably get an A1 for Integrated Humanities (IH) and Science (Most people can do that) and  I've already gotten A1 for French, but I seriously think that for LA, I'm going to get either an A2 (if I'm lucky) or an B3. So what if I did get above border-line A1s for LA so far? My comprehension and Lit response is lousy and that means I'll have to kiss my LA A1 dreams au revoir or good bye.

For math, if I can get an A2, I'll probably kiss the floor in gratitude.  It will probably be an B3 or B4.Despite my extremely extremely awesome SIA marks (Thinking about it, I could have gotten full marks if I studied for Mensuration), my A1s were all borderline. (78-80? range). It's very obvious that I screwed up the Math paper (so that means B3 or B4 or lower, because the range difference is really so little), despite it being manageable. Next year, if I don't study properly for my Math, I am really going to do something drastic, like throw away my Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter DVDS. Knowing me, I'll probably take my own threat seriously.

Of course. Chinese. For Chinese, je ne sais pas. I really have no idea. Take a look at my CA1. I got an A2 (quite few people did) and was absolutely shocked. My CA2 was equally unnerving, just in a negative way. It was still an A2, but most people got an A1. Yes, I really do not know. Obviously, it won't be an A1, but I am hoping it would not be too bad.

Oh my god. Assuming that I get A1 for IH, Science and French and A2 for Math, LA and Chinese(which is quite a realistic, nearing positive assumption: my MSG will be...

9/6=1.5

At least it's below 2. Personally, I would have liked to get a 1.17, but I know that's not possible. I will be content.

Alright, I can't believe I've digressed so much. Now, what else do I not have a passion for? Oh, of course, my relationships with others. I find it difficult to appreciate that most people are as fake as I am. Like what Shrek said:

"I'm like an onion. Onions have layers."

 I find it so irritating when I try to warm up to others, but they don't trust enough to let me into their hearts. Either that, or I am just too insincere and force myself to elicit responses for people, who do not wish to bother in worldly affairs. It's probably a mixture of both, I guess.

I am quite a hypocrite actually. I claim to detest posers and attention-seekers, but I myself desire attention just as much. Some people have told me that I am too critical of myself. I suppose I can understand why they think so.Anyway, it's not like I'm the only hypocrite around here. Most people are hypocrites- the ones that can't be saved are those who haven't  realised this fact.

So I suppose, at the end of this debate stemming from my own mind, my conclusion is: " Seize the moment and do things in liberal amounts- but follow the Tao and let the natural state of affairs take course."

Even though I've known this for quite long, I have to say this:



The point is: We all do. We just have to discover the opportunity to discover that about ourselves!