Reflections #3: Jigsaw puzzles

A bit of Reality first, would that do? Taylor Swift's Speak Now album isn't that great as Fearless , but I do like Haunted,  Mine, The Story of Us and Better than Revenge. Ooh, and I love Superman and Enchanted and Speak Now. Bijou thinks that her songs are more sophisticated. I agree too.


It's funny how I don't want to talk about the marks now that I have them. It's probably because I'm very grateful for my marks deep down, despite all that I say. I'm either a complete hypocrite or just confused about my feelings. I hope it's the latter.

 I felt like a loner again today. Actually, now that I think about it, allowing myself to feel lonely and pitiful is really, really stupid. I should do something instead of wallowing in my self-pity.

Anyway, today was uneventful except for the behavioral/ leadership type seminar.At first, I was quite skeptical about the leadership thing-only mildly interested but on knowing that it was to do with behaviour, I got sort of hyped up. (My measure of hyped up isn't really high or anything, since I'm quite a passive person under normal conditions). I just love to do those multiple intelligences, personality type, JUNG tests/trials/quizzes. Apparently, we were doing the DISC test.

The seminar was quite in-depth. We covered a relatively large field: Different personality types, Strengths and Weaknesses of different types, Interaction between types and ways to maximise quality of teamwork with different personality types. Actually, we already learnt about DISC, but this time, we didn't just skim the surface of things. Apparently, the results of this test were supposed to be accurate, since we had to do it within seven minutes and hence wouldn't have time to ask people and discuss answers. They even had stars in some questions so as to "work as balancers" so that even biased answers wouldn't be that biased. They also had three ways of measuring DISC namely: Public, Private and Mirror. The number for each component of DISC would be recorded on graphs-one for each way of measuring.

Apparently, for the people I had asked, most of them had greatly varying results for the three graphs. It's strange that my graphs were all pretty much the same. They were shaped like ticks, which makes me think of Nike's Just Do It. Hmm... nice imagery. Apparently, my performance in the public's eye fails compared to my performance privately. There wasn't much difference between the private and mirror (how you see yourself) results. The fact that all three graphs display similar results shows that either I was really honest while I was taking the test, or I can understand myself. This is great! This uniformity paints in such a positive way!

I'm starting to sound like I'm extremely self-conscious. Actually, I've always been self-conscious. Overly self-conscious.  I sound really immature too. It doesn't matter. I'll grow out of this sooner or later.

Now, with regards to the results. By the way, D stands for Dominant, I for Influence, S for Steadiness and C for Conscientious. Since I can't remember the details (even though I'm supposed to be a person who loves details), I've copied the chunk from Wikipedia. It's pretty much the same thing that the trainer told us.

• Dominance: People who score high in the intensity of the "D" styles factor are very active in dealing with problems and challenges, while low "D" scores are people who want to do more research before committing to a decision. High "D" people are described as demanding, forceful, egocentric, strong willed, driving, determined, ambitious, aggressive, and pioneering. Low D scores describe those who are conservative, low keyed, cooperative, calculating, undemanding, cautious, mild, agreeable, modest and peaceful.

• Influence: People with high "I" scores influence others through talking and activity and tend to be emotional. They are described as convincing, magnetic, political, enthusiastic, persuasive, warm, demonstrative, trusting, and optimistic. Those with low "I" scores influence more by data and facts, and not with feelings. They are described as reflective, factual, calculating, skeptical, logical, suspicious, matter of fact, pessimistic, and critical.

• Steadiness: People with high "S" styles scores want a steady pace, security, and do not like sudden change. High "S" individuals are calm, relaxed, patient, possessive, predictable, deliberate, stable, consistent, and tend to be unemotional and poker faced. Low "S" intensity scores are those who like change and variety. People with low "S" scores are described as restless, demonstrative, impatient, eager, or even impulsive.

• Conscientious: People with high "C" styles adhere to rules, regulations, and structure. They like to do quality work and do it right the first time. High "C" people are careful, cautious, exacting, neat, systematic, diplomatic, accurate, and tactful and concerned with details. Those with low "C" scores challenge the rules and want independence and are described as self-willed, stubborn, opinionated, unsystematic, arbitrary, and unconcerned with details.

Those words highlighted in blue are behavioural traits that I think I exhibit. Apparently, my Behavioural type is C,D which means I'm mostly Conscientious and rather Dominant. I've asked a million people two classes and a few other people and only one other person has behavioural type CD.

I find it a little strange that I have CD because I'm not even neat and people only think that I'm analytical, which is only one trait for C. I have been giving it quite a lot of thought and so, I think that I am quite C. For domineering, I am ambitious and demanding, I suppose.

I'm actually quite content with getting CD now that I've thought about it. Awesome people like Albert Einstein and Mozart (or was it Beethoven?) are in my behavioural type I probably won't become as famous as them, but it's good to know that there are awesome people in your behavioural type. I suppose every type has its famous people though!

Actually, I don't really know why I spend so much time pondering about behavioural types. This is perhaps due to my over self-consciousness. Either that, or I'm just being reflective, or over-concerned by details (since this DISC thing is only one part of today). I need to see the big picture of life!

It's like a habit, this caring too much for too many things, of which most turn out to be worthless of attention. Some might say that everybody does that, but personally, I'm not really sure. I really need to be less narrow-minded and look at the big picture. There was this chinese proverb, which I can't remember, about looking at a leopard's spots through a bamboo tube. I suppose that applies to my situation now.

I really, really need to see more of the world to widen my knowledge, so that I can be less narrow-minded. I should also refrain from  judging myself and others  solely based on this DISC system. There's way more to people than what a system reveals. So, I shall stop over-thinking and over-analysing.  In fact, observing more of the world would do me some good.

See the big picture instead of the individual jigsaw puzzles

Reality #3: Through the narrow lens of a mere school-girl

Disclaimer: If you don't want to know anything about marks, do not read this post. If you want encouragement, read the last paragraph, but be wary.

I really wanted to do a reflection post because I did make insightful reflections while going home today. Besides, it would look nicer on the blog since the posts are suppose to alternate. However, it is impossible for me to immerse myself into my reverie or unhappy, sad little thoughts because I am so caught up in reality. Right now, my thoughts revolve around my marks, and sometimes, I feel so disappointed in myself for being so flat and unreal. I feel like I'm just a dot in an open space. I'm not even a shape.Steve Jobs said something about connecting the dots to form a complete, perfect picture. Perhaps, I'm going to be part of a Big Plan and I might just be that Crucial dot?

This isn't comforting at all. I don't feel any better.Anyway, this post is going to be about the last two days. My feelings are solely what I feel, so if you want to smirk and snigger, or perhaps insult me , by all means, continue thinking so. No one can read your mind and the less harm is done, to me, and consequently yourself.

Tuesday

We received the LA results. I was gleeful (quoting from Gwen, who probably referenced from Glee) that I got an A1.Actually, I knew that it was going to be an A2 or A1 anyway. I did myself proud for the Lit Response. The other components were average.


I cannot believe how most people fared for Geog. The majority includes myself. I don't mean to offend anyone who didn't get what they expected, but I have to say this, I was shocked. I was never very good at Geog but at least I was above average. I thought the paper was alright, and yet it turned out to be so surprising. In my head, I thought, it's got to be a mistake, this isn't what I'm supposed to get. It was really unnerving. The best part is: I missed A1 by one mark.

After Geog, I was totally disillusioned. I have no ability, or claim to expectations that many other people can fulfill. I am just a girl who is a try-hard mugger with no brains, or sense. My talent, I believe that I have one since I do have a drop of self-esteem and self-image , has not appeared yet or is disguised or is unrecognized. I actually have a vague understanding of its form . If such a girl chooses to waste the thing  that does not belong to her, Time, brooding on subjects not worthy of Time, she is really worthless. By all means, I will not let myself become useless. Therefore, I shall receive my marks, with inner peace and calmness.  

What must come will come.

Was that from the Lord of the Rings? It was the part when Gandalf told Pippin or Merry that the seige on Gondor would happen eventually. The calm before the storm. This perfectly describes my feelings regarding Science and Math tomorrow. I'll probably only feel stressed tonight.

Wednesday

We went through the Chinese papers. To be frank, I was amazed. I didn't care that I missed A1 by 1 mark again. This was the best I've done in the whole year. Someone actually cried because her friend got 60/70 for Compo. I'm not going to be critical or anything, because if I was in her place, I'll probably have a similar reaction.

For History, I cannot even explain my feelings. This is owning to my poor writing skills and my complete incomprehension. To be very honest, I expected 45 -47 for History. I even harbored slightly higher expectations. Nevertheless, I must be content. Being ungrateful will make me have problems like gastric ulcers (see The Road to Happiness post if you are curious about more health problems). To not appreciate good health, that, is not right.

I've realised I've been using a very self-righteous, over-bearing, unreasonable tone. Too bad. Let's just say I've been influenced by too many principles. I want to be a better person. Hence, in desperation, I try to make myself a perfect person. Sometimes, less is more. Now, what happened to all my pledges to follow the Tao and let things take their natural course instead of interfering and spoiling things?

I'm going to make a real pledge today. I don't care if the world ends tomorrow, or if I fail (really) my Math or Science, I will not be impacted. At most, I let out a few tears. Ensuite (And then), I will get better. It will be natural. It will be real. It will be human.

I believe, that it will get better. Adam Lambert  agrees with me. This message is to myself, and to those who didn't meet their expectations, and to those who are delighted with their marks: it gets better. I'm not only talking about marks now, but everything. Whatever you are going through now, don't think of it as a start and stop event. This is life. Life isn't on a picture book. Even if you think you are a dot (like me), once Life is awaken in you, you lift off from the picture book. You become real. You realise you

Don't settle. Never settle. (Steve Jobs)

It gets better. There is always hope.



Reality #2:The little pebble rolling downhill, gathering, gathering

I shall go back to Saturday, since the days nowadays are increasingly uninteresting for me.

Saturday
I went out shopping with my mum at Taka, Wisma Atria(?) and 313. I feel a little guilty for making my mum buy books for me-since I've found out that many considerate, loving and fillial people save up to buy books for themselves. However, I was being a fangirl and wanted to buy Harry Potter Film Wizardry,which I saw at Kinokuniya. I made myself feel a little better by asking for it as a Christmas present, but I still feel selfish.

We also bought nursery rhymes CDs for my baby cousin in China , who's less than one month old.My mum, who adores Peter Rabbit, really wanted to get an audio Peter Rabbit CD, so I asked one of the staff members and they scanned through the Peter Rabbit shelf, and told us the CDs were out of stock. Obviously, my mum wanted to buy the Peter Rabbit CD very much, so she continued searching and I tried to help her. Being smarter than me, she found it, stuffed deep into the shelf. Well, at least I tried to make her happier.

We also bought other phonetics books and CDs. We shopped around for other things, such as presents for my relatives. Lastly, we bought My Fair Lady because we were both interested in the show.

After being deprived losing out shopping time, this shopping trip, which was quite fruitful, was like a drop of water given to someone who hasn't drunk anything for a day. I'm not saying "a person who hasn't drunk for three days', because my need for going out isn't really that desperate. I must inhibite(is this the word?) my tendency to immerse myself into all that is melodramatic.

Sunday
I mostly stayed at home, except to go out and meet Divya and Jia Min. We exceeded our time limit (to be frank, the time limit I had pushed for) by one hour, because we were so intent on gossiping. It was mainly my fault, because I started whining about my training and that led to many discussions about many people, many activities, many interests etc.

Monday
What can I say? I had training. I felt faint for no reason, possibly because I'm not strong and skipped half of the training. Training was very, very slack. Even I agree with this. Nevertheless, my feet felt a little tired.

I lunched at Pizza Hut, came back, and used the com. C'est fini.

Despite the simple and slightly average state I am in now, I know that come tomorrow, thie pace with gather and things are going to become more exciting, both, I believe, in good and bad ways, just like the little pebble rolling down the hill, triggering other bigger stones. Most people prefer to talk about The Snowball Effect but I prefer the little pebbles.

Tomorrow, we would be getting back  the LA and something else papers. A while ago, I was brooding on my comprehension and lit response, but right now, I feel numb. It is possible that I am to tired to think, or prehaps too lazy, but I think it is most likely that I am just going to let fate decide things. It is rare for me to have such a peaceful state of mind. I don't mean that I am staring into blank air, having a blank mind. My mind is in here and now, but I am able to distance myself slightly, just slightly, from outward  and inward disturbances so I do not dwell on things that would ruffle this serenity.

I think I might have a chance of becoming a Healer, if I were in the Harry Potter Universe. Alternatively, I can become the Muggle equivalent, which amounts to someone working in one sub-branch in Medicine, probably a Doctor or a Psychiatrist. As Gandalf (or Bilbo or J. R.R. Tolkien) say:

Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can, ... 
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.And whither then? I cannot say.




We never know.



 Reflections #2: The Road to Happiness

When my mum told me to clear up the side-shelf, I saw two crumpled-up pieces of glossy-inked paper. They were one of a collection of power-points my mum printed out. She's just like me. We print things we like. Apparently, in the place she works, the colleagues send those inspirational, usually Christian powerpoints about your health, happiness etc. This powerpoint was titled "The Art of Being Well" by Dr. Drauzio Varella.

I can't remember why I crumpled it in the first place. It's probably because I'm an impatient, messy person and I tried to chuck it somewhere in the shelf. I'm playing with the possibility that it crumpled itself, but that's not likely. Still, I am waiting for that day when I see some sort of magic happen to me.
The first time I read that powerpoint, I couldn't be bothered to digest the information( or was I just too dumb?). I've remembered at least one other occasion where I found one piece of the powerpoint and was re-reading it. Somehow or other, one phrase kept surfacing throughout the day- I think it was:

"Without confidence, there is no relationship."

Anyway, today, before going for training, I was waiting for my dad to get ready to leave the house, and I saw one side of the paper sticking out. It was vividly coloured- and being me, I like pretty, symbolic pictures (many people do, right?)- and I had to pull it out. After reading the words in the powerpoint, I remembered there was another piece and I hunted around for it.

This is a bit melodramatic- but I was enlightened. The truth dawned on me, like the burst of sunlight from grey clouds in one of those pictures, which I am looking at right now. I want to spread this wisdom of the person who made the powerpoint/said those things. So, I have summarised the main points of  how to be healthy and happy:

 If you don't want to be ill:

1.Speak your feelings (I just don't think you should gate-crash a wedding though, like in Speak Now, unless you have a very special someone)

2.Make Decisions

3.Find Solutions (In other words, don't be a negative person who whines, gossips and is pessimistic. I have so much to improve in this area. Since I like this point so much, I shall quote from it:

"It is better to light a match than to regret the darkness. A bee is small, but produces one of the sweetest things that exist." 

When I read that, I was completely convinced about becoming a more positive person. I like the analogy to light and dark and the example given of the bee. I can't really explain it. It's one of those things (I think) that when you read, you can hear a warm, kindly voice reading to you.  By just reading these two lines, I feel this warm fuzzy feeling.

4.Don't live by Appearances (Don't be a poser, because you are putting too much stress on yourself)

5.Accept (Accept that you are accepted, accept the criticisms)

6.Trust others

7. Do not live life sad(Enjoy good humor, laughter, rest and happiness)


Seven principles of living your life , One direction. These should be my principles of having a better life. I remember that I made a resolution list on my birthday this year and the most important resolution was : To be happier. Even now, I cannot say that I am truly blissful. I am ignorant and ambitious- but at least I try to be honest. This can probably be attributed slightly to the lack of right thinking- one aspect of the Eight-fold Path. Yet,  I have irregularly put in  uneven amounts of effort to be a happier person. I think I need more than effort, I need direction.

Of course, we cannot control how people think of us, do onto us. I sometimes foolishly question:

"Why does she think I'm..."

(Put aside my immaturity. I'll probably discuss this another time. ) Yet, we hold the key to our own happiness. I remembered hearing a song by Natasha someone this morning and I caught the words:

"Only you can speak the words from your lips. Only you can feel the rain on your skin and let it in."

 So, I believe, if I go about things in the right direction, but still let time lead me on, I should be able to become a happier person. I shall now apply principle 6 (but onto myself). I believe I can be happier, because I know I can.

After typing all these words, I feel a strong, pulsing force within me. May the Force be with you, as well.

Now that I come to it at last, what exactly is happiness? Can it be defined? I do not know.Do you?



Reality #1: Much Ado or Nothing?

If you stand for nothing then you'll fall for everything - The Script


Sometimes, I feel like I pale in comparison to the people I know. It's like I'm a strip on a wallpaper that's just fainter, less solid than the other stripes. Perhaps, the painter paid less care to it, or was too tired to give it another coat. I am hoping that it was an artist who painted the wall and deliberately painted this strip a lighter colour, hopefully a nicer colour...?

I seem to be feeling this way almost everyday. I was never really a strong-minded person. I don't have many beliefs or strong, fervent dreams to fulfill. Besides, when I did have these, which came in the shape of the objects of my fangirling, I was never really a die-hard, die-hard fan of them. Before long, I lost interest.

Prehaps, this is it. I don't have enough interest in anything. Just like the one million or so people living on Earth most people I've known, I don't have any real passion, which is the reason why I'm not outstanding, special, extremely talented etc.

It's not that I crave to be be like that. I just want to make my stay on Earth more meaningful, because when the day is up, I want to have as few as regrets as possible.

Take my CCA for instance. Half the time while I'm there, I don't even know what or why I'm not leaving. While I'm not thinking about that, I'm too busy concentrating on sports induced injuries and fatigue. At the same time, I have to watch my back (literally and figuratively). If I had any passion for my CCA, I would be all too happy to attend it everyday and I wouldn't even feel tired. And yet, if I had passion towards it, I wouldn't be Jessie.

They say:

"When there's a will, there is a way."

Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to apply to me all the time. Look at my grades. The only subject that I am constantly doing better than other people is History. My LA and Geog and French are above average, I suppose and my Science is acceptable but my Chinese and Math would be given Troll, had I been studying in Hogwarts.

I don't even think my M.S.G will be above 2. I can probably get an A1 for Integrated Humanities (IH) and Science (Most people can do that) and  I've already gotten A1 for French, but I seriously think that for LA, I'm going to get either an A2 (if I'm lucky) or an B3. So what if I did get above border-line A1s for LA so far? My comprehension and Lit response is lousy and that means I'll have to kiss my LA A1 dreams au revoir or good bye.

For math, if I can get an A2, I'll probably kiss the floor in gratitude.  It will probably be an B3 or B4.Despite my extremely extremely awesome SIA marks (Thinking about it, I could have gotten full marks if I studied for Mensuration), my A1s were all borderline. (78-80? range). It's very obvious that I screwed up the Math paper (so that means B3 or B4 or lower, because the range difference is really so little), despite it being manageable. Next year, if I don't study properly for my Math, I am really going to do something drastic, like throw away my Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter DVDS. Knowing me, I'll probably take my own threat seriously.

Of course. Chinese. For Chinese, je ne sais pas. I really have no idea. Take a look at my CA1. I got an A2 (quite few people did) and was absolutely shocked. My CA2 was equally unnerving, just in a negative way. It was still an A2, but most people got an A1. Yes, I really do not know. Obviously, it won't be an A1, but I am hoping it would not be too bad.

Oh my god. Assuming that I get A1 for IH, Science and French and A2 for Math, LA and Chinese(which is quite a realistic, nearing positive assumption: my MSG will be...

9/6=1.5

At least it's below 2. Personally, I would have liked to get a 1.17, but I know that's not possible. I will be content.

Alright, I can't believe I've digressed so much. Now, what else do I not have a passion for? Oh, of course, my relationships with others. I find it difficult to appreciate that most people are as fake as I am. Like what Shrek said:

"I'm like an onion. Onions have layers."

 I find it so irritating when I try to warm up to others, but they don't trust enough to let me into their hearts. Either that, or I am just too insincere and force myself to elicit responses for people, who do not wish to bother in worldly affairs. It's probably a mixture of both, I guess.

I am quite a hypocrite actually. I claim to detest posers and attention-seekers, but I myself desire attention just as much. Some people have told me that I am too critical of myself. I suppose I can understand why they think so.Anyway, it's not like I'm the only hypocrite around here. Most people are hypocrites- the ones that can't be saved are those who haven't  realised this fact.

So I suppose, at the end of this debate stemming from my own mind, my conclusion is: " Seize the moment and do things in liberal amounts- but follow the Tao and let the natural state of affairs take course."

Even though I've known this for quite long, I have to say this:



The point is: We all do. We just have to discover the opportunity to discover that about ourselves!



Reflections #1: Through the Looking Glass

So. I am writing a blog. I used to have one, but when I re-read it, I thought I sounded so stupid that I just left it to rot, hoping that the odour of my ridiculousness wouldn't come blasting towards me.

I sound so fake and unnatural. Perhaps, this is just another part of me, the part that likes theatrics.Sometimes, I like to make faces in the mirror, trying to arrange my features in the strangest, most unnatural way.And yet, my spastic, strange faces only show up when I'm taking photos and not really caring about how I look. Do you know, how it feels like to look into the mirror- just a precursory glance while going out of the room- and not recognising the face inside for a split of a split-second (is there even such a thing?). It is only after that , that we realise it is ourselves.

I have also wondered, many times, how it would be like to live in a house full of mirrors. Not the kind in almost everybody's music videos, but literally a house with walls made of mirrors. That would really be the Looking glass house. If I were to live in that sort of house, the sense of loneliness, of heightened self-consciousness would probably make me forget who I really am. It does not really make sense-what I say. I shall try to elaborate. If you were to see yourself, everywhere, everyday, would you know as you stare at all your different selves in the mirrors, which was the real you? Oh the irony.

Now, we come back to reality. I am writing this blog, to reflect on myself and on others. I do not know myself, even if I pretend to fit myself into a stereotype, into a personality type etc. How could I understand others, if I cannot even fully understand myself? Besides, how many people would bare their hearts? Who, that is more mature, more intelligent, more wise (wiser) than me, would not fear being hurt? What I see, what I infer, it is only from observing what is in the mirror. I have not seen the truth. I have not gone through the Looking Glass. But yet,who except for Alice, has?

When I go back to read what I have written, I hope to see myself, from someone else's perspective, a new perspective. Whether, what I see, shall be real, or fake, or a lie stemming from truth, or a truth mixed with lies,or a disillusion-it does not matter. To be vain is to be imperfect. If I am vain, so shall it be.

We all need our five minutes of melodrama. Evidently, some of us need more than that. But we must always come back, to whiter-than-white reality, because this is where we belong.